Resilience

I got my last round of chemo on Wednesday, and my attitude toward these upcoming side effects has been largely, bring it on. It’s not that I’m looking forward to feeling like crap, just that I’m looking forward to feeling like crap for the last time.

(I’ve also arranged to go in on Sunday for some IV hydration, so hopefully that will keep some of the crap-feeling at bay. My doctor is seriously awesome!)

A lot of people have been asking me lately how I have been able to stay so positive through this whole experience. Sure, the last round of chemo put me in a pretty dark place, but I have to agree that I’ve maintained a good outlook throughout most of this process. And my answer to the question, “how have you stayed so positive?” was at first, “I don’t know,” but after some reflection, has evolved to, “how could I not?”

I’m not sure if it was actual depression or merely teen angst, but I used to struggle with my emotional state on a regular basis. One day in my early twenties I read a quote, attributed to Martha Washington, that changed everything:

“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.”

It may sound dumb to attribute a major emotional overhaul to one random quote, but I can honestly tell you this quote changed my entire outlook on life. It was like I was liberated from having to care about anything negative, seemingly overnight.

(The quote, on its own, probably did not accomplish this for me. But it facilitated my making some changes in the way I have lived my life over the past decade that have contributed to a more peaceful state of existence. Much of this has involved eschewing many of the so-called conveniences of modern American life in favor of a path of more resistance. I sometimes refer to this as “embracing discomfort.” Perhaps I will write a follow-up post on this rather lengthy topic, or if you are interested, feel free to contact me about it.)

I read an article from PBS on resilience, What Makes a Resilient Mind, this morning that inspired me to write this post in the first place. I found interesting the idea that resilience, or the ability to cope well with adversity, may be more common than was originally thought. According to the article, much of the original research on trauma and resilience was based on people suffering from PTSD who sought help after a traumatic experience, so this skewed data set may have made it seem that resilience was a rarity. But newer research is showing that resilience may be more common than originally believed. To quote the article, “Dr. George Bonanno at Columbia University’s Teachers College thinks most people are actually quite resilient…he argues that resilience should be recast not as a clinical anomaly, but as a natural state of being.”

Think about that: resilience as a natural state of being. So long as the right support systems are in place, the human organism is incredibly adaptable. And, while the article mentions social support systems and I recognize these are important, I also firmly believe that lifestyle habits count as support systems and contribute to this, as well.

Had I been diagnosed with breast cancer at age twenty, before I had developed my healthy outlook on life, I doubt I would have been so positive throughout the experience. But now I don’t see any other way to approach it. Sure, it sucks to have cancer, and there’s a lot of discomfort that comes with chemotherapy. Should I sit in a corner and wallow in my misery? Would focusing on the negative actually help anything? I don’t think so. What choice do I have, then, other than to go about my life as normally as possible?

If anyone is surprised by my sunny disposition, call me up and we’ll chat! (Just not this weekend, because I’ll be spending the next few days sleeping off the last round of chemo side effects. Bring it on!)